These are things the gift-giver thinks you MIGHT like. It's on the gift-giving dartboard, but toward the VERY outer edge.This could be a matter of, “I know you like comic books, so here’s the Iron Man movie!” I hate Iron Man though, he’s a government mark, occasional alcoholic and a complete tool. The only way that I relate to him as a character is as a nemesis. He sucks balls - or ball bearings as the case may be. It's not without some effort on the gift-giver's part, they did sort of try, but it's still off-the-mark. For instance, to most people who know me know I like Batman, and they'd think I like The Dark Knight movie -- but what they're not taking into account is that to me EVERY important aspect of two of my favorite characters was complete ignored, skewed, flawed, misrepresented or changed.A more-relatable example would be, “Hi, I got you this book about depression-era Irish kids living in Tulsa because I know you like to read.” There are like SO many things wrong with that I don’t know where to begin. And this is why I return so many gifts for store credit, and/or Craiglist, and/or donate, and/or throw away.Too, there are the gifts people think you SHOULD like.I once got the Tom Brokaw book The Greatest Generation from an older aunt. This is a “teach you a lesson / propaganda” gift. I don’t like history, I don’t like the news, I don’t like war, I don’t like old people, and I damn well don’t like Tom Brokaw. This is an agenda gift, which I’m supposed to invest valuable time reading, and decide that all the people from that generation are awesomer than I (or anyone of my or future generations) could ever be. NOT going to happen. Fuck you, you shitty aunt, and fuck Tom Brokaw for popularizing a short-sighted and arrogant title. Douchebag.The Greatest Generation may be the world's Worst Gift. (tm)
So that brings us to a close for the year, and I hope we've all learned something. Perhaps it's that a good gift can be made bad by the giver's modifications. Perhaps it's that you should do more research and less presuming. Perhaps it's that my one aunt is really really shitty. Whatever the case, please know that at the core of all my venomous humor (or humorous venom) is the honest desire that people enjoy their holidays as well as they can, with or without gifts, regardless of their quality or existence at alll... however, while I know it takes a good deal of diligence, it's also my belief that it's more easy to enjoy the holidays without falling victim to the ever-looming BAD GIFT IDEAS that surround us all, both as gift-givers and recipients.Feel free to direct any and all bad gift givers (and bad gift stories of your own) to this website.Happy Holidays!And remember, with just a little research, planning, foresight, and plain being honest with yourself, you can avoid having any gift you give end up showing up on some blog like BAD GIFT IDEAS.
You know what I don't need? Something you think will go with my place - which you have never seen.Maybe that's a really nice yellow murano glass candy tray. Maybe I don't serve candy. Maybe I'm afraid of glass breaking because I have pets. Maybe I think the color yellow is just godawful and I'm quite honestly running out of storage space and getting tired of running to the Salvation Army.But do you know what I really don't need? A St. Patrick's Day cat flag.
Or a Halloween hand towel with an embroidered cat on it. Or a hand towel OF ANY COLOR OR TYPE. Holiday items are the worst, because they are basically unusable for the majority of the year. Like, you would never buy somebody a cuisinart that only worked in July, or a lawnmower that only turned on in December. Just awful. If I decorate for the holidays, you probably don't know which holidays and to what extent. It's not your fault, that's just a matter of fact. Speaking of facts...Buying me nothing is better than buying me crap.So while we're at it: no vaguely calligraphic framed inspirational passages. No Lenox items. No pewter keepsake chests.We probably don't have the same tastes. And that's okay. But presuming blindly to know what will "go" with another person's decor/space/etc is just an abomination. Much like this St. Patrick's Day cat flag, which I'm relatively certain I have to now buy for one of my family members. Oh, how I suffer for you readers. I suppose this goes to show how one person's treasure can still be another person's BAD GIFT IDEA.
The only thing a person should get engraved is their tombstone, so it's fitting that engraving is essentially the death of any otherwise potentially good present.
NO.
Engraving a date or event into a utensil or frame largely renders the item ornamental (aka useless) -- and whatever those details are - probably aren't so important to the recipient. OR - if they are, they'd remember the date anyway and wouldn't need it to be engraved as a reminder.I know what my name is already. I don’t need it etched into something I don’t want and now cannot sell or give away. If you engrave your name on something you give me, it'll serve as a reminder of how vain you are every time I see it. (And if I’m 22 and I get a bronze shoehorn from you, seriously that shit is wack. No one under the age of 70 uses a shoehorn. Christ.)This is a generally selfish, and shitty gift.Furthermore, handwritten inscriptions are, in their own way, just as awful.People who gift books and then write "from so-and-so" or some message about how this book "helped them through a hard time" or "meant a lot to me" or whatever - it's awful. Granted, it's a personal touch - which IS nice, but this could be better conveyed with a handwritten NOTE. Your adding this message to the book itself just utterly ruins the potential of anyone anywhere ever wanting that book again once I'm done reading it (if I read it at all).They even make permanent stickers to affix to the insides of hardcovers, to then inscribe. (There are entire industries devoted to ruining books?! Insanity!) On what planet do people need to label their books? Don't they know the book's theirs, because it's in their room and/or their house, backpack, etc? I just don't get it. When were people loaning each other books and ownership became an issue of frequent dispute? (Before half.com or goodreads, that's when.)The same applies for people who clip the price out of the inner fold of hardcovers' dustjackets, attempting to hide the retail price of the gift, which can be easily checked, and ensuring it can't be returned. Just horrible. This just goes to show you that it's not always the gift per se, but what the person does with or to the gift that ends up making it a BAD GIFT IDEA.
There is nothing like goods a person uses in the bathroom to say "Happy Holidays." Oh wait, I meant "Crappy Holidays." Yeah, that's it.Firstly, with many such items there's the obvious insinuation that the recipient smells bad. If instilling self-doubt is your gift-giving goal, then by all means proceed as originally planned.Scent is a personalized choice.When a faraway relative reasons to themselves with, "It's been ten years since I've seen him, so he's about 14 now and he probably likes girls, so I guess he'd like Nike Sport maybe?" it's the beginning of the end of that poor bastard getting a non-insulting gift.In thoughtful gift-giving, "guesses" are to be discouraged, as is their polished-up cousin "surprises."See, nothing about me says "Nike" or "Sport." Plus, half the time these are sample sizes, multi-packs and/or "free gift with purchase" packs.
If your giftee is expected to send a thank you card, I hope it says, "Thanks for caring enough to send something you got for free and didn't want yourself - you stupid dick." Preferred Stock cologne is not what preferred men prefer. Just another sign this is a BAD GIFT IDEA.
When you care enough to say something someone else wrote, which probably rhymes, and pay roughly $4 for it. Man.I can't tell you how big of a thing my family has for greeting cards. They'll buy cards that they like -- for unknown persons and/or events which have yet to occur for years -- if ever -- and then save them for the appropriate occasion and recipient. My grandmother had shoeboxes of cards like this. PLURAL. It's insane.Side note: My family dates the cards too. Like anyone's going to need to remember which card was given on Halloween '02 instead of Halloween '03. But I digress.While card buyers may mean well, seriously this is just lame. It's spending money to fail at conveying something with actual meaning. At worst it's essentially choosing to not try and say anything of substance, and at best it's trying to find something someone else wrote that sounds relatively how you feel which you don't know how to articulate for yourself.
(Based on an average 2.99 card cost X 12 months in a year x 1.5 holidays per month x 3 different card-givers in family X the 30 years of my life and add a 4% minimum tax.)Greeting cards aren't a gift in themselves (though they can contain some of the greatest gifts of all - cash and checks), but they are often attached to gifts, and they could've been actual gifts - just a part of what makes them a BAD GIFT IDEA.
"Aw, you shouldn't have."
No really. You shouldn't have.(*this hoodie is a representation of bad clothing I've received - not an actual item I've received.)Clothing is a matter of personal expression. For better or worse. It should not be chosen, at random, by people who do not know the recipient's tastes - let alone the fact that fit and sizing are problems on their own. And even if you know the recipient's sizes, fits, color palette, etc. - these things can change over time.Furthermore, socks and underwear are incredibly horrible gifts for children, as are sweaters, and dress clothes. There are reasons your younger relatives may drift away from you over time -- including giving gifts such as these.The odds of you getting me something that I'll wear with any sort of frequency (if I keep it at all) are very, very poor. The odds of any person knowing what a member of a significantly different age group wants at all are very, very poor.And clothing bought by relatives who live out of state - this is just unforgivable. There is no way humanly possible that they can get this right.While many will naysay giftcards, I am not one of them. A giftcard will allow me to purchase something I actually like, though it does limit me to a specific store (which I may or may not like). This is why cash is a better option than a giftcard.Cash. What your giftee can really use. Remember that - and pray that it keeps you from electing to buy someone clothing - which is most often, an innately BAD GIFT IDEA.
Welcome to my nightmare, readers. Rest assured that every item I discuss has been an actual gift given to me in the past.To begin: Fancy pens.While this is typically more often a graduation gift, I have received it as a holiday present as well, and quite honestly - I need to get this out of my system.Even if it was for the recent high school or college grad, said graduate needs a high-end writing implement like you don't need a kick in the teeth if you buy them one.
If this looks like something you'd consider a good gift to give,
you suck.
